#61 When You Click And Click, and the Door Won’t Open

Many challenges come along with singlehood, but I think from a spiritual perspective, I can safely say that Tefillah is likely on the top of the list. Tefilla can be difficult in many ways. Firstly, there’s the task of balancing tefillah and hishtadlus. “How much is too much? Too little?” Then there’s the question of “I keep davening, but my tefillos don’t seem to work. Why?” And subsequently, there are thoughts of “It’s really difficult for me to pick up a siddur. The words just get stuck”, or “I don’t feel like my tefillos are accomplishing anything, and I don’t have the strength to keep doing this.” Many singles have told me that they struggle with this, and I totally get it because, so do I!       

I’d like to share an anecdote that R’ Shlomo Horowitz from Baltimore told over. It has a beautiful lesson that can assist us when we struggle with the question of “I keep davening, but my tefillos don’t seem to be working. Why?”

“This past Erev Yom Kippur, I left my house and walked toward my car. As I walked to my car, I took out my car key and clicked the remote. I tried the car door. Locked. I clicked the remote again; the car door would not budge. I tried a third time. Nothing! What’s going on? And then I heard a faint clicking sound. From my other car. I tried the handle (of the other car), and voila! It opened!

Continued R’ Horowitz- Sometimes we daven for things and expect car door A to open. We “click and click” daven and daven, but the “car door” won’t budge. ‘Hashem, why isn’t it opening?’ Meanwhile, Hashem is saying, ‘Your davening IS opening! Something. It’s just not what you thought it would open. Your clicking is actually opening another door.’

I think this anecdote can be so powerful in helping us when we feel like our tefillos are- if I may say- going to waste. Of course, we know logically that there’s no such thing as a wasted tefilla, but it can be hard to internalize that message after we keep exerting ourselves and are not seeing results. This anecdote can help us remember that our tefillos are moving things in Shamayim. Sometimes, the tefillos may be opening doors that we hadn’t envisioned.

I’d like to briefly address the burnout piece and share something that’s been working for me. As you probably know, I’m part of a Linkup Nook group. Linkup Nook is a learning program for singles of various ages, and we discuss various topics in relation to singlehood (For instance, how to do the inner work to attract your bashert and what purpose this waiting period serves, amongst other topics) with our group and group facilitator. This past class, the topic of Tefilla and burnout came up. I shared with my group that I remember davening many more tefillos when I was just out of school. I’d add yehi ratzons, say Tehillim every day… and now, forget the yehi ratzons and Tehillim; I feel like I’m doing chop, chop, chop to everything. I’m usually rushing in the morning (who isn’t?!), so I cut out a ton of tefillos but it’s still hard to concentrate, and very often, I daven with lip service. I ended by saying that I wish my tefillos were more meaningful. My group leader shared with me such a wonderful tip. She said, “Pick one tefilla and leave it out. Don’t say it for a few days/weeks. And whenever you’re ready, put the tefillah back in. You’ll see that suddenly, the tefilla will mean much more to you.”

I had always heard of picking a tefillah and then trying to have more kavana in that particular tefillah, but this was new and different. I tried it, and it worked:) There’s something about making a conscious decision not to do something and then doing it that is very powerful.

Tefillah can be difficult for many reasons. It’s hard to keep davening day in, day out, day in, day out. When it gets tough, envision your tefillos opening unforeseen pathways for your future. And if your tefillos feel dead, maybe leave out a tefillah or two. You may find yourself davening better than you have in a while.

*If you have two minutes, take the time to watch R’ Horowitz reenact the above anecdote. You’ll find the story even more meaningful.

https://www.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=257858  -“When you click and click, the door just won’t open” 9/27/23)

Thank you to my brother MM for sharing this shiur with me!