#64: The 60/90 Tip: This Changed The Way I Date

As you’ve probably noticed, I avoid writing dating tips in these posts. You don’t need my tips; I’m sure you get enough of them from family members and other well-meaning individuals in your life.

But I recently heard a very powerful dating tip that was such a game-changer for me that I could not resist sharing it.

I was listening to a TorahAnytime class given by Dr. Tamar Perlman, who was speaking to a group of single women on the topic of dating. While the entire speech was fantastic, one piece stood out.

Dr. Perlman gave an analogy that goes the following:

Imagine a little boy who is in 6th grade and has a math test coming up. If he studies for the test, he gets a 90%; if he doesn’t study for the test, he gets a 60%. Who is this kid? Is he a 60 kid or a 90 kid? The answer is that he is both. He has his lowest capacity, which is 60, and his highest capacity, which is 90.                               

The same is true with us. We also have our highest capacity (90%) and our lowest capacity (60%). To be at our highest capacity (90%), we need the desire to be that way. If we lack the desire, we will be a 60%.

When we are at our highest capacity, we feel calm, secure, and confident; when we are at our lowest capacity, we lack confidence and feel afraid, sad, and insecure.

I’d like to explore this piece a little more because I think it is so fundamental.

Why would we lack the desire to be at 90%?

One thing I noticed about being in shidduchim for a while is that my confidence was affected by it; maybe you feel that way as well. There are so many ways shidduchim can affect one’s confidence- comments we get, the looks, the feeling of not entirely fitting into frum society, the doubts and fears we harbor in our minds…  

After this occurs repeatedly, our confidence levels start getting worn down, and we may no longer view ourselves the same way we did when we were younger. Instead of viewing ourselves as a 90, we see ourselves as a 60. When we view ourselves as 60’s, we attract 60’s. If you find that you are repeatedly going out with guys who are way off the mark, chances are you are operating from a place of 60.  

The way to get out of this is by firstly being aware that you are operating from a place of 60 and not 90. I know that sounds elementary, but you’d be surprised how hard it is to notice that you’re operating at less than total capacity. Once you are aware of this pattern, it is time to ask yourself, “Why is this happening?” “Do I deep down believe I am unworthy of getting what I want?” “Is fear holding me back?” “Am I afraid I’ll never find the right one, and therefore am dating people I’m not really interested in marrying just for the sake of ‘maybe he’s the right one’ when deep down I know he isn’t?” “Do I believe I am not deserving of a husband who is a 90?”

Once you introspect and realize why you’re operating from a 60, it’s time to shift your perspective and tell yourself, “I am a wonderful 90 and am worthy of marrying a 90,” and then really believe it. When you genuinely believe it, you will find that the boys you are dating are 90 material, not 60 material, because you have attracted the 90s.

I know this to be true because I struggled with this myself. At one point, I noticed that the boys I was going out with were very off-target. Once I noticed this pattern, I asked myself why this kept happening. I realized that fear was getting in the way of my confidence. I was afraid that I’d never find him and therefore said ‘yes’ to nearly every name suggested when, in reality, I knew that those suggestions would probably not go anywhere. What would have been more helpful than saying yes to every name would have been believing that I was a 90 and deserving of a 90. I then would have attracted the 90s because the 60s would not have been given a chance.  

*I would like to add one piece that I think is important. This tip is not saying you should sit on your high horse and be unwilling to compromise. As time passes, it is a good idea to reevaluate and be more open to ideas you weren’t open to earlier. The issue is if you become too open and remove every filter. Then, you just end up feeling confused and unhappy. I personally found that I was open to certain suggestions out of fear of being labeled picky, but deep down, I wasn’t really happy or okay with many of them.

Once I heard this 60/90 idea, I increased my confidence and decided on a few core “non-negotiables. Now, when deciding if I should say yes to a boy, I make my decision through the lens of “Which part of me is saying yes to this suggestion? The 60 or the 90? The part of me that is confident (90) or the part of me that is afraid (60)?”

This dating tip has been a total game-changer and has given me clarity and peace of mind.

Dr. Tamar Perlman's analogy of the 60 versus 90 kid offers valuable insights into how we perceive ourselves and our worth, specifically in the context of dating. When we operate from a place of perceived inadequacy, we attract people who mirror those lower expectations. Conversely, by recognizing our true value and consciously operating from our highest Self, we open ourselves up to opportunities and connections that reflect our best selves.