#44 How to Change Your Mindset

Raise your hand if you love waiting for the phone to ring! Raise your hand if the suggestions you’re getting are totally off the mark! Raise your hand if the boys you go out with are not what you’re looking for! Raise your hand if you feel stuck and wish you could move on!

I’m guessing that I had a big show of hands for the last question.

Welcome to the “I feel so stuck I wish I could just move on” club! Membership includes tension headaches, poor sleep, and high blood pressure.

Jokes aside, if you feel that way, welcome to the human race! Feeling stuck and wishing to move on is one of the hardest parts of this challenge, but I listened to a class on TorahAnytime about a year ago that changed my outlook a bit.

The class was given by Mrs. Yael Bertram, a Life Coach who specializes in helping singles; I found the class both relatable and informative. Today’s segment will be based on that class. (If you would like to hear the class in its entirety, it’s titled “Not Getting Dates, Chizzuk & Guidance for Singles,” dated 11/11/2021 & can be found on TorahAnytime.)

Feeling stuck is a very common experience for singles. Two situations when we feel particularly stuck and stressed out are: A) When we don’t have dating opportunities or

B) When we do have dates, but they're a waste of time because the boys being suggested are not in the ballpark. Someone who finds herself repeatedly in either of the above examples may conclude, "There’s no one out there for me. I’ll be single forever,” and this creates the "scarcity mindset." The scarcity mindset is a mindset where a person thinks, “There is not enough for me” or “What I want doesn’t exist.” Although it is understandable, we need to replace this mindset because it is a dangerous place to go to.

When we delve deeper into this mindset, we’ll see that the crux of the issue is not that we don’t have dating opportunities or that we’re getting set up with the wrong kind of boys. Rather, at the crux are the conclusions we draw from these situations. Many of our conclusions are distortions such as, “I’m not desirable,” “I’m not enough,” “I’m not worthy,” “I’ll never find what I’m looking for, etc.”

Our mindset is like a seed we plant in the ground. We reap what we plant. So, if we’re constantly planting seeds of negativity, guess what? We’ll have a very negative “tree,” aka reality. If we want to change our tree, we need to uproot it and plant a positive “seed” in its place. We need to take out the thoughts that created that reality and plant a new positive thought. We have to change mindset A to mindset B. Mindset A sounds like, “There’s no one out there for me. I’ll be single forever. I need to settle.” Gloom and doom. Mindset B is a much more positive mindset. “Hashem is taking care of me. He’s here with me. He has a plan.”

How do we change to mindset B?

The first step is giving ourselves validation. Validate your feelings; single life is rough!

Once we’ve done this, we can move to mindset B. Mindset B says, “Hashem is giving me the gift of quiet, the gift of space, the gift of time so that I can figure myself out.”

When we think of hishtadlus, we think of hishtadlus that we see outwardly. Meeting Shadchanim, going on dates... In reality, 90% of hishtadlus is internal work of making ourselves a worthy match, a worthy kli for that perfect husband. (Of course, we should also meet with shadchanim, and go on dates when applicable.)

When we start thinking, “I’m not worthy” or “There’s no one out there!” that’s the yetzer hara’s voice speaking. The real truth is that Hashem doesn’t want to drain our time and energy. He wants us to be focused on the real work we need to do in order to draw in the most perfect husband at the perfect time.

When one is in a restaurant, once they give in their order, they can chill and relax. Because their order is in the kitchen! The same is true with us. Once we place our “order,” we must trust Hashem is getting it ready. When we have this trusting mindset and internalize that Hashem has someone prepared for us, we can focus on really working on ourselves so we can draw in the most perfect husband.