#20 Seeing Our Circumstances As Separate From Ourselves- A Tool To Help Save Your Self-Esteem

Many of us singles feel very consumed by the challenges we are going through in shidduchim. Besides the actual challenge, the entire emotional aspect can really take a tremendous toll on us! Feelings of embarrassment & awkwardness, feelings of less than and low… are so commonly felt by singles, no matter your length, in this parsha. This only aggravates our situation and has a very negative impact on our self-esteem!

Unfortunately, too often, we subconsciously allow our life circumstances to chip away at our self-esteem and view ourselves as an extension of our challenges. How much easier it would be if we could view our challenges without all the associated negativity and see ourselves as separate from our life circumstances!

I heard an amazing concept from Mrs. Yael Bertram, Life Coach, & speaker on TorahAnytime. She said, “In life, it’s never the circumstances themselves which are causing us problems, but the thoughts which we take out of the circumstances that are causing us problems! What thoughts are we taking out of our challenge? Are these thoughts making us feel good about ourselves, or are they making us feel less than, low, & depressed? For many, it is the latter.

What we need to internalize is: Nothing negative that is happening in our lives can take away from our self-worth. Our worth is what it is; it’s untouchable! We say in davening each morning, אלקי נשמה שנתת בי טהורה היא No matter what’s going on, we’re still good inside! Challenges don’t make us less than!

The purpose of Hashem sending challenges our way is so that we can evolve and come out better than before.

Now, we need to ingrain this idea in our hearts. How can we do this?

The first step in changing anything is admitting that there’s something wrong. After that, we can start implementing changes in our thought process, which will, in turn, change how we view our challenge, thereby changing how we view ourselves!

We need to view our challenge as just that. A challenge. Cause that’s exactly what it is!!

Rabbi YY Jacobson said the following remarkable line.

“Everyone has challenges. But the question is: Do I define my challenges, or do my challenges define me? If my challenges define me, I am a victim. If I define my challenges, I understand that it is exactly this life story that allowed me to become the person I am today in order for me to fulfill my specific mission in life.”

This powerful idea really resonated with me; in reality, it’s the full truth!

Once we realize that we may be going through a challenge right now, but that doesn’t make us less than, we’ll be able to see ourselves as separate from our struggle. This will prevent our struggle from chipping away at our self-esteem. And when that happens, we’ll be able to make meaning out of the circumstances in which we find ourselves. There is no greater satisfaction & joy than that!