Q and A #3- Chanukah Party Dilemma

Questions on hot-button topics with Your Answers!

Q) My high school class* will be having a reunion on Chanukah. Everyone is bH married with children except me. At this point, I have conflicting feelings. On the one hand, I really want to go- I haven't seen everyone in years (literally;)). On the other, I hope I won't be triggered or feel like a third wheel. Any thoughts or tips to make it easier- If I'm brave enough to go?

*Details have been changed

will be having a reunion on Chanukah

.Your Answers! 

I think it is important to remember that while your whole class might be married with kids, they are not the only people out there; your class is only a fraction of the Jewish population. That being said, you are in a sea of married people while single, which is definitely hard. Remember that everyone has a struggle, and while they may all be married, that doesn't mean they are exempt from struggles.

Also, I think it's important to keep in mind that while you may be the only one not married, some of the girls may have just gotten married or have other stories you know nothing about.

Lastly, remember that there is nothing wrong with you for not being married; try to focus on your strengths. Someone who is married may not have had time to get multiple degrees, and maybe she regrets that, while you have a master's and an amazing career that you have developed. Don't let what you don’t have bring you down. Instead, focus on your accomplishments! There is nothing wrong with you; you are perfect just the way you are! -TJ

I fully hear the struggle to pluck up the courage to go to the Chanukah reunion.

My thoughts on this would be if you know yourself enough that going would only add salt to the wound, then you shouldn't go at all.

But, if you feel that you can go in with your head held high, knowing that you are NO LESS than the married friends. (which you aren't!!!) then go with an open mindset that this may turn out to be really enjoyable, and worst case, you can always leave early. (Keep an excuse in your pocket if need be;)

 I also think it depends on the mode you are in; some days are easier than others, and if you're in the upbeat mode and walk in like that, the crowd will sense those vibes, and that will reflect the way they behave around you.

 Wishing you all a Lichtige Chanukah!! -CM

Postscript:

I (Shira) would like to share what happened: 

Ever since classmate* posted info about the party on the class chat, the party was on my mind. At first, faintly, but as the date grew closer, it got louder. “What am I doing about this party? Should I go or not? What are the pros and cons?” “Am I a baby If I don’t go?” I posed my dilemma to friends, co-workers, my mother… basically, anyone I came in contact with- (if you’re one of those people, thanks for letting me chew your ear off;) and for the good advice:)). Part of me really wanted to go and see everyone and catch up, but based on what was constantly being posted on the chat- “Any easy supper ideas?” “Anyone know of a good repairman?” “A good four-year-old Morah in the x area?”…type, I was afraid of what the conversations would be like. Would I feel awkward/like a third wheel/an outsider? I also wasn’t interested in being the butt of any “singles” jokes- which had happened in the past.

Two weeks before the party, I decided I would skip it. I was just too nervous to take the risk, TBH. But then FOMO got the best of me. “Maybe I’ll just stay for part of the party,” I decided. I noticed that my thoughts were kind of paradoxical. I wanted to be seen- “If I don’t show up, will people notice that I’m not there?”  but at the same time, I wanted to stay out of the public eye-“I’m not interested in being the center of attention.” And then I realized that it wasn’t a paradox. I wanted to be noticed as a person, not as a single.

 A week before the party, after thoroughly thinking things through, I decided to go.

I felt like I was in a stronger place emotionally (compared to where I was at the last party) and would be able to handle it. Worse case, if things got awkward, etc., I’d leave early. “I refuse to isolate myself just because I am single and will go with my head held high,” I decided resolutely. The party was planned for (this past) Tuesday. Thursday night, a classmate (who would be traveling in from OOT) posted that due to a simcha, she wouldn’t be able to make it on Tuesday. Could we switch the party to Wednesday evening? So Wednesday it was.  I was looking forward to attending; much emotional energy had been exerted for this party. And then… My cousin bH got engaged, and the vort would be held in Monsey on, drumroll please…you guessed it-Wednesday evening. Since this was a cousin’s vort and I live in Lakewood, it would be a full-night affair, meaning I would miss the entire party. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. All that worrying, planning… For nothing. I was happy I’d miss it for a good reason; it was a simcha after all, but I couldn’t help but think, “They couldn’t have made the vort on any other night?” I got over it- eventually, lol- and took it as a sign that He did not believe going to the party was a smart move. And so I went to the vort, and it was a beautiful simcha, bH! 

I came away from this experience feeling humbled. Here, I thought I was “running the show,” and Hashem reminded me who really was! It brought to mind the Yiddish saying, “Men tracht, un Gutt lacht,” or “Man plans and G-D laughs.” So often, we worry and stress over things in life, and then Hashem makes everything fall into place neatly. This is often how it is with shidduchim. We worry and stress, and then boom! Everything falls into place. We just need to learn to trust, which is, well, a topic in itself. 

Wishing all a freilichen, lichtige Chanukah!

May we be zoche to see yeshuos and nechamos both on a personal and a national level!