#58-It’s NOT a Shidduch Crisis!

“When you decide you’d like to get married, let me know!”

“Maybe you should lose some weight and then come back to me?”

“Listen, you can’t have everything in life!”

“Wear makeup!”

“Are you happy? Yeah? Ok, I just wanted to make sure because, you know, you’re single…”

“Wow, you look amaaaaaaaaazing!”

“What’s gonna be with you?!”

Written above are actual comments that well-meaning individuals have told either me or other single acquaintances. Of course, these people meant well; they were just sharing their pearls of wisdom. You weren’t aware of the fact that they’re G-D in disguise? They know the exact reason why we haven’t met our bashert yet! I'm now inserting a blank line so you can add in your own lovely comments told by lovely people who shared their lovely advice because they would love to see you get married:

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This past June, the Meaningful People Podcast featured motivational speaker, singles advocate, and social worker Tzipora Grodko. Tzipora, who herself is single, spoke so eloquently about the challenges of single life. She started the podcast by dispelling the myth that we are facing a shidduch crisis of epic proportions. Here is a brief excerpt:

“The term ‘shidduch crisis’ connotes that things are completely out of control, and Hashem needs our help to do something about this crisis. Hashem doesn’t need our help.

Data was taken by a qualitative researcher from Silver Spring, MD. This researcher found that by age 30, 93% of individuals in the yeshivish and modern orthodox dating system are married; by age 40, that number rises to 98%. So we see from this data that most people do end up getting married; that’s not the crisis. I believe that we are not facing a shidduch crisis; we are facing a Bein Adam L’Chaveiro crisis. What do I mean by that?

When it comes to many challenges, such as raising children or parnasah, etc., we do our best but then say Hashem will do the rest. When it comes to shidduchim, many people mistakenly place blame on our singles instead of understanding that Hashem is pulling the ropes.

I believe that the real struggle singles are experiencing is not the struggle of being single, although that sometimes can be very painful. It is the way the Jewish community is reacting to those who are single.”

When I heard Tzipora speak on Meaningful People, it was a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone “got it.”

I completely agree with Tzipora. I often feel like we singles have lost our dignity and no longer have a voice as a result of our single status. And the longer we are in the parsha, the stronger the feeling of loss. Maybe it’s just me, but I cannot tell you how irked I get when I am addressed with the word “girl.” “If I had a wig on my head, I guarantee you wouldn’t call me a girl,” I feel like screaming. “I’m old enough to have a few kids! Can you address me and, more so, treat me as such?”

About a month after this Podcast was released, Tzipora was invited to speak at an initiative for singles in Lakewood. At the workshop, which I had the privilege of attending, Tzipora further expanded on this topic and went over what we singles can practically do to combat hurtful comments and attitudes. “We get many toxic, hurtful comments from people who mean well but are misguided. And these comments can wear our self-esteem to dust and cause us to lose our sparkle. Your job is to commit to turning each blow into something that fuels your sparkle!”

To explain what this means, picture a seesaw. You are on one side; society is on the other. When you get a toxic comment, the person on the other side of your "seesaw" has pushed you down. It’s now your job to tell yourselves something positive so that you can pick yourself back up, higher than before.

I just finished reading the book Believe It, written by Jamie Kern Lima. In her autobiography, Jamie talks about how she started IT Cosmetics, one of the largest beauty brands, in the face of rejection after rejection. Her motivation and determination proved successful, and she eventually sold her company to L’Oreal for $1.2 billion. Jamie was told by all the prominent leaders in the beauty industry, "No." But as she explained, “Your knowing is more powerful than anyone's no!” (Chochma B’Goyim Taamin;)) Jamie shared that one hack that assisted her in the face of all the naysayers was what she called "knowing the power of her microphone.”

We each have a “microphone.” Every person who we come in contact with and speak to is borrowing our microphone. If someone tells you something that you know and believe isn’t true, take your “microphone” back from them. Don’t let them have power! It might not sound like the greatest hack, but I’ve done it, and it really works. Our brains are mighty powerful.

So next time someone gives you a piece of "well-meaning" advice, don’t allow that advice to grind you to dust. Let it fuel your sparkle! And don’t forget the power of your microphone!